Extrovert? Nah… Not Really

A lot of people see me as an extrovert. I guess it’s because they always see me looking happy most of the time? Not sure, that’s just my own idea. (Oh, and I read that Scorpions are supposed to be extrovert – random, I know).

I have friends who have actually asked me, “Do you ever feel sad? Cos you always look so happy and cheerful everytime I see you.”

Yes, of course I do feel sad. I am just a human afterall and I have emotions. Lol!

Most of the time, I don’t think people actually know (whenever) I am having a problem because I would not show my negative emotions in front of them (unless on rare occassions where I couldn’t hold it in anymore, such as when I am damn pissed off) and just put a happy face forward for all to see.

Okay, here’s a disclaimer: I may still talk about problems I had at work, etc. but not my personal problems. It means I am burying my feelings inside. I know this may not be good in the long term because it’s gonna be like a burden to yourself and it may kill you. That’s kinda true. Often times I would just keep everything inside. I believe my ego / pride / whatever has something to do with this. I smiled and laughed as if nothing happened, but felt terrible deep inside. I always thought that I shouldn’t let others feel my burden and just let me deal it on my own. Which is kinda stupid if you ask me now because sharing your problems with others may actually help. A different point of view will always be useful one way or another.

Frankly speaking, I have experienced how bad it was for me. I lost my appetite, my stomach was continuously aching from the stress, and I couldn’t really sleep well.

When I had a break up a few years ago, Jess actually asked me, “Why are you not crying? Are you not feeling sad over this?”. Hahahaha! Truth is, I did cry, quite a lot, but it was under the blanket at night (with her in the room playing on her laptop). I guess I managed to keep the volume so low that she did not realise it. Hahahaha! And the next day she asked me that question and when I told her I was going to go to the bank (alone) afterwards,

“Do you want me to accompany you? I’m afraid you’re gonna commit suicide later on. You know, cos of feeling depressed after a break up.”. LOL! Such a sweet roommate I had, huh? 😉 – and no, she didn’t go with me in the end. I laughed and told her I was gonna be ok. 😀

Anyway, back to the topic. Actually I realise I am able to share my feelings more openly lately. I guess it’s because whatever happened to me in the past has enabled me to be willing to open up more now. Which is good, I guess?

You know this quote that says, “The prettiest smiles hide the deepest secrets. The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears and the kindest hearts have felt the most pain“? (which is everywhere on Tumblr, by the way).

Now I feel it’s quite true although I don’t exactly have the prettiest smile/eyes nor the kindest heart.

Heh, but I guess being able to put on a mask is still pretty useful at times. It’s good for avoiding people from asking what happened to/what is wrong with you especially if you don’t feel like talking about it (at least for the time being).

And actually I don’t know why I’m writing all of these. It’s just something that popped out of my head all of a sudden.

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